A Past Remembered

Since last Wednesday our little family has been in Utah.  Currently, Doug is with his brothers and parents at a Boeing Utah facility tour, Ryker is still sleeping, and I can hear the pitter patter of Kyleena feet as she pesters grandpa upstairs.

I miss this.  Being here makes me so homesick I can't stand it.  I keep trying to remind myself why we moved and why we wanted to stay in Alabama a bit longer, but it's like trying to remind myself I don't need oxygen yet after diving into the deep end of the pool.  As much as my mind knows I'll be just fine for a little longer, my body keeps desperately swimming up for air.

Utah is my version of air.  It is not always appreciated.  It is sometimes stinky or muggy.  But I need it nonetheless and I crave it when deprived.

Being accompanied by Doug's family during the festivities surrounding Doug's sister Karianne's wedding was a breath of fresh air.  I'm gaining more of an understanding as to why big family events are such important milestones, and why we should definitely be in attendance.  Memories are formed and bonds are made and friendships are strengthened in ways that can only be accessed by shared experiences.  The same can be said for the experience of sending Doug's brother Nate off on his mission this week. 

For me, personally, this has been a time of serious reflection and gratitude.  I could not help during that sealing but to picture myself on my wedding day.  I remember sitting in the Celestial room prior to the ordinance and talking to Douglas.  I don't remember much of what was said, (I do recall that he informed me of a serious shaving mishap he had had that morning) but I remember how blessed I felt as I looked over at the man who was to become my eternal companion in just minutes.  I remember walking into the sealing room hand in hand with him, and seeing our families beaming at us.  The words of the sealer were somewhat of a blur, and I was so grateful they were recorded for me by a family friend of Doug's.  However, I do recall being told to make each other happy...  and I hope I have done that for him so far, because I know he has done that for me.

In a strange, retrogressive pattern, the following two events pushed my thoughts further and further into the past.  As we prepared to send Nate off on his mission, I flashed back to my twenty-first year and all that it entailed. I remember my farewell talk and being in my room with my best friend, finishing up packing and trying fruitlessly to sleep the night before my mission.  I recall sitting through the MTC welcome meeting with my family before we said our tearful goodbyes.  Shortly thereafter I met my first companion in line for something.  The MTC is mostly clear in my mind.  One experience was returned to me with exceptional clarity as I pondered the missionary service into which Nathan was about to enter.  I remembered the testimony meeting we had with our new district upon our arrival to the MTC.  That night as missionaries from different places and backgrounds shared their testimonies, and as I prepared to share mine as well, I was literally filled with the Spirit in a remarkable way.  From my head to the tips of my toes I received a witness of the work I was about to perform.

Scooting even further into my past... Last night I was invited to participate in the planning of our high school reunion.  Sitting there in a basement with my high school friends, I was drawn, intriguingly, not to my high school life but to the life just following it, the one these people had missed out on.

Thinking over the past ten years, I am grateful for all of it.  Some of the turns I took were not on the map I had made for myself, but I'm grateful I took them.  Many things went according to plan but on a completely different schedule than I had predicted.  As we lay in bed together last night, I told Doug that perhaps I was too attached to my past experiences to be able to function in Utah over a long period of time.  Upon waking this morning I see things a little differently.  If I can record my thoughts, learn and grow from them, and use them pushing forward, then this connection to my personal heritage could be a blessing.  I certainly feel blessed right now.

And after all, how can anyone learn from a past that's forgotten?

One Moment in Time... and Another... and Another...

Doug has been out of town on business this week and the kiddos have been tossed from sitter to sitter each evening.  Tonight it caught up to them.  As we drove home a solid cacophony of weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth came from the back seat.  It was early for such exhaustion, about 6:30pm, but I swore that the second we got home they were both going straight to bed.  Following a quick after-dinner snack and a happy birthday Skype session with 3/4 Giles girls, I rushed them off to bed.  Deciding that perhaps I should let my little girl know that I really did love her and wish her a happy birthday (we celebrated all day last Saturday), I cuddled in for my goodnight hugs and kisses.  As we lay there face to face, her little arm wrapped around my neck, we had this conversation:

"These four years with you have been the best years of my life.  I'm so grateful I've been your mommy, and I'm even more grateful that I get to be your mommy forever more."

"But Mommy!  I will grow bigger and bigger and be as big as you and then you won't be my mommy anymore!"

"Nope.  That's not how it works.  You will grow bigger and bigger and bigger like me and you will have babies of your own and I will still be your mommy."

"Forever and ever?"

"Forever and ever."

"Oh! *sigh* Mommy, I am so glad you are my mommy.  You make all the days happy.  You make every day happier.  You are the best mommy ever and I love you so, so much."

"Thank you, sweetheart.  I love you too.  Goodnight, sleep tight."

"Goodnight, sleep tight, Mommy."

That moment obviously speaks for itself: Priceless.  But the thing that really got me posting to my blog tonight instead of doing one of the 900 other things on my docket, was the process I endeavored upon after closing her bedroom door behind me.  First I thought, "That was so sweet.  I should facebook that.  What would I write?  I could just put what she said.  Nah... That doesn't express how I felt about what she said.  I could call it a 'moment' first.  I could write a commentary on how I finally got over the toddler-phase 'moment-fasting' and hopefully this is a sign that her fourth year will be better.  Man!  It's been FOREVER since I had a moment where motherhood was all worthwhile.  People talk about those and I just think, 'good for you. I'm floundering out here; treading water 'til my kids get a little bigger.  You go on and have your moments and I'll just try and keep my head above water."

So I hopped on facebook, ready with my status-length rant.  Once there, I noticed I had a message from a dear friend of my husband.  She had written me a sweet, kind, note praising my mothering tactics even though she understood that at times it must be hard, and thanking me for finding her friend Doug.  Not meaning to downplay how touched I was, I must mention that reading this was like an instant guilt trip.  Here I was, ready to rant about how I've been jacked my life's little moments, and someone else was admiring me as a wife and mother.... :/

Well, I was deterred.  One of the things she had said in her note sidetracked me and I went to check it out.  She had mentioned that she’d reached the conclusions noted in her message to me based on a thorough facebook stalking.  So... curious to look in at my life from that perspective, I started to scroll through my profile.  Less than a month down my timeline, I noticed this post: a status update of mine dated April 15th, 2012.

"Not going to lie, I've been in a mom rut lately. Been gritting my teeth and bearing my burdens in near silence, waiting for today; one of those perfect days full of beautifully simple moments with my little family that make it all seem worthwhile again. Gratitude."

So I came here to write this blog post.

At this point in my writings, however, I became more intrigued and I returned to facebook yet again.  As I continued to scroll through my timeline I realized that that moment was not the only one I had recorded in recent history.  In fact, I had just posted one on the 4th of April.  It didn't flat out express itself as a "moment," but it was one nonetheless.  On my way back up, I even discovered a photo of my babies sitting together in a chair on the patio dated April 14th.  Would I have taken that photo if I hadn't been recording a moment?  And yet, the very next day I wrote of my gratitude for those moments I hadn't had in such a long, long time...... ???

I am so blind.

Here I am, surrounded by the beauty of these little lives.  As I write this now, I can turn my head to the right and see a pool toy in the foyer (no, we did not go swimming today), dance class registration forms, dishes in the sink, wadded up paper towels from wiping little hands and mouths beside cups on their sides on the counter.  To my left a bucket full of crayons and pencils has been spilt on the floor beside the couch.  Many "breakable" things have been piled up on my counter height table, three pairs of my shoes are on the floor outside my children's bedroom, and an empty applesauce packet lies stuck in the crack beneath the door.  Directly in front of my tv- where the computer has been plugged in so that we can watch children's shows on Netflix and work on the computer in a location where kiddos are still visible- there sits a marker brought to me earlier in the day by my one year old, another empty applesauce packet, and a timecard I've been keeping for work- logging all my hours teaching and cutting music; the timecard is covered in black scribbles that make it practically illegible.

This is beautiful.

My mother would disagree.  Although she would note the symbolic beauty of little lives and the evidence thereof, and although I am perfectly aware that she loves my children as much if not more so than I do, she would disagree that my mess is beautiful.  Most days I would disagree too.  Tomorrow I may disagree... at least regarding the mess...  But for right now, all of this is beautiful.  Their chaos currently serves as a reminder to me that they are here; dirtying dishes and the counters and themselves as they eat with their little hands; taking out toys just to forget why they got them out before they've played with them because they’ve become distracted by other toys; fighting one another and hugging one another and doing so all within the same breathe; THIS IS BEAUTIFUL.

Life's little moments aren't rare.  We are surrounded by them; engulfed.  But one thing that I have tried to teach my mother is that blessings are found when we look at our lives through the eyes of gratitude.  It's easy to see that I haven’t been practicing what I’ve preached.  I'm not sure many of us can really see things as clearly as we should see them.

Whatever you see, or my mom sees, or I see tomorrow; today I choose to see a beautiful pattern of moments strewn across my home.  Hopefully this little light shining in my heart will continue to grow.  Hopefully I will have friends and family whose lights shine brighter than mine on my darker days.

Being a mother, a father, a sister, a friend; they all have their challenges.  But when looking at our lives through the eyes of gratitude, we may catch glimpses here and there of the honesty and beauty in our work on this earth with one another.  We may find that those “rare moments” are happening so often that they have become difficult to notice.  One moment does not often stand out in a sea of moments.

Kyleena's Story (I tried to repeat this word for word.)

Once upon a time, it was dark and I was in my bed. And I heard a sound that I thought was a baby, but it wasn't a baby... It was a monster!  I came creeping out of my bed and into the living room and there was the monster! It had green eyes and I couldn't see it 'cause it was camouflaged. But then, its eyes turned red, and then blue, and then black. All of a sudden, the monster turned into a ghost! The ghost ate me!!

The End.

Finally a blog post! (and from my phone no less)

I think I'm going to pick up phone blogging. Hurray for apps that allow me to get things done on the go.

Family update: Things are going well.

Doug is loving his job at Boeing and was recently informed that he would be receiving a promotion. Already, Doug was doing more than his job required, so the promotion won't change what he does at work each day, it'll just pay him accordingly!

I am gearing up for recital season at my jobs. I like this time of year because seeing my choreography make its way to the stage is very fulfilling artistically.

Kyleena is wrapping up her first year of Joy School. Joy School is basically an in-home preschool rotation. I teach tomorrow, Tuesday, and this coming Thursday and the next week it'll be at a different house, and so on. She loves learning new things and comes running to the door when she gets home; eager to show me things she made or gathered from outside. My latest challenge is trying to get together a new group for next year....

Ryker has learned how to whine, stomp, and be grumpy. He has not, however, learned how to talk (much)! Looks like I'm trading in another angel baby for a toddler...  Oh well! C'est la vie. They grow and each phase has its upsides as well. For example, Ryker is still a major cuddler, and you can't beat that!

The news that thrills me to the bone is that on May 19th, we are moving into a house! Yay!!! It's a rental... Say what you will about buying in this market, but we just aren't ready.... And I love it! The house isn't fully updated, but it's clean and spacious. It's a 60s style contemporary built in the 90s. I'm a real fan of contemporary architecture so I love it. I can just picture my mom and dad (and who knows who else) calling it ugly, haha, but I'm the one who gets to live in it! (Pictures to come.) I cannot wait to not be shoved into an apartment any longer. We'll be in our same ward here in Madison, in a neighborhood called Stoneridge just at the base of Rainbow Mountain.

So... That's the gyst. I'll try and be a better blogger....... ;)

Winning the 4am Toilet Lottery

The time is 4:00am. Baby cries. Halee rolls over to Doug, "Doug, can you hand me that baby?" Doug dutifully goes for baby and bottle. Halee changes poopy diaper. Doug returns with bottle and then moves for an early morning trip to the toilet. Baby eats. Upon Doug's return, Halee heads for toilet. Toilet is full of pee. Halee flushes toilet. WINNER WINNER WINNER!!!!! Jackpot. Toilet had already backed up. Toilet was already full to the brim. Toilet spills over with mad glee and Halee, floor, everything Halee can wrap her 4:00am head around is covered in pee and toilet water. Halee freaks out. Halee cleans entire bathroom, does serious laundry, and showers. 5:30am: Halee writes blog post.

Oh My Goodness!

Lately my 2 year old, Kyleena, has taken up the nasty habit of citing the words "Oh my G**" under her breath whenever she feels a little exasperated. Mommy and daddy have tried explaining patiently that we say "gosh" or "goodness" because that makes Heavenly Father happy. We've tried disciplining TV characters out loud in front of her if we catch them saying it, etc, and yet still, our little angel continues to take the Lord's name in vain. I'm not as frustrated as I may sound. In fact, I think it's rather cute and I often find myself scolding her and then turning my head to laugh. I know she'll grow out of it or else finally grasp that we're serious about not having her say it. However, all of this leads to my little anecdote:

 

This morning while baby Ryker napped, Kyleena and I were about the house on our various bits of business. I had already punished her two or three times for this little faux pas, and as she walked over the threshold leaving her bedroom, I overheard her muttering again "Oh my G**I need to…." and she casually stated the next thing on her two year old to-do list. I immediately sat her down for a time-out, once again stating that Heavenly Father didn't like it when we said that. This time, we said a prayer so that she could tell him she was sorry. Swiftly following the word "amen", she unbowed her head and, holding up a wrist she had placed a bracelet on during her time-out, said, "We say, 'oh my goodness that's a pretty bracelet!'" I smiled. "Yes we do." She continued to expound, "And Heavenly Father says 'oh my goodness.'" Laughing a little I replied, "I'm sure he does, sweetie."

 

As I walked off on my way, feeling that perhaps I had finally gotten through to her, I heard Kyleena shouting over and over again as she returned to her toys,

 

"We don't say 'Oh my G**!"

Ryker Douglas Ballash

August 5th, 2010, 8:51am

7 pounds 1 ounce, 20.5 inches

POTTY TIME!!!

Kyleena came up to me while I was on the phone with Sterling saying happy birthday and spouted, "I need poo-poo potty." She then proceeded to strip down and remove her diaper. I realized I wasn't going to be able to stop her one-handed before the real diaper-removing damage was done. So, I figured she was due for a change and let her sit on her little pink potty in the bathroom while I finished my conversation. A few minutes later, I was still on the phone and Kyleena stood up nonchalantly and proceeded about her business. I happened to glance down and there it was... pee-pee in the potty!

Needless to say mommy was thrilled! Kyleena received loads of praise and later that night when Doug got home from work (yes, he actually worked last week...yay!) we headed straight to the store to buy big-girl panties and treats.

We started potty-training Friday and have been going strong all weekend... this is a perky business. I have been saying things I never dreamed in a million years that I would say; things like, "You did it! Look at your pee-pee! Big girl!!!" I have been throwing a party every time I see human waste in that tiny pink potty.

It's exhausting and silly... but there's a diaperless (for a few months anyway) light at the end of this tunnel.

WOO HOO! IT'S POTTY TIME!!!!!!!!!

Meet Our New Baby

This little man is going to be named Ethan Douglas Ballash. We've posted the whole ultrasound video. You may note just how long it took (insert facetious tone) for us to find out he was a boy!

And FOREVER Later....

I actually got on here to read all about my brother-in-law Jason's big new job news (say that 10 times fast), and I happened to graze past our little blog which was an ode to Halloween. OK! Time for an update!

We've had some big changes here at the Ballash house, starting with one I can't really mention online (and for those of you who know, please don't comment me or facebook me or myspace me or anything about said life change because it's still a secret from many people!) But the change is big enough that even though I can't yet say it, it's still worth mentioning.

Aside from our secret change we've also got one I feel like shouting from the rooftops: Douglas is on his final semester at Embry-Riddle. 2 and 1/4 months left and he's officially a college graduate! I can't even count the ways this graduation will be a blessing. We still don't know where he'll be working upon graduating, but he's applied all over and had a couple small leads. It's still early in the process so we'll keep you posted. (And if anyone knows of anyone who's hiring aerospace engineers, please feel free to let us know.)

We are dying to get out of Prescott. Of course, we'll miss all the friends we've made here dearly, but I can't say it's been my favorite place overall. Doug is on job number 3, count 'em 1-2-3 that has run out of work for him to do recently. Sure, the economy is rough all over, but having three jobs in 6 months is ridiculous. And as Doug has just piped in.... Why hire someone if you don't have work?! So, with our savings gone, our debt at an all-time high, and our food storage waning, we are just hoping to get to a bigger city with more opportunity ASAP.

And on that pathetic note we leave you with these hopeful and happy thoughts:

Kyleena.

Happy Halloween!

This year Kyleena was a lady bug.
Heidi gave us these cute hair clips. Lucky us, they matched her Halloween costume perfectly!

This one's a little blurred, but she was pulling a funny face so I liked it.

These are all cell phone pics. Kyleena Trick or Treated at the mall Dairy Queen and they gave her a free ice cream cone...

.....yay......

Reason Halee Hates Nature TV

Doug always watches those nature shows and I just can't stand to watch animals eat eachother. Sure, I'm no vegetarian, but today on this special on coral reefs that Douglas tivod I learned about shrimp who ganged up on a starfish, flipped him on his back, and would then eat him to death for weeks.  I expressed to Doug then what I will express to you now: we may eat other animals, but we certainly don't put them on their backs in the kitchen and slowly eat them to death over a period of weeks. Nature blows.

Michael Jackson: King of Pop

I would be remiss if I failed to post something about Michael at this time. It took me a few days to get here, I was grieving in my own way; watching music videos, playing his music in my car, dancing around my living room with my 1 year old daughter who would hear the beat and-- without realizing mommy was sad-- just had to break out.


· I remember watching music video after music video when Erica and I were riding in the back of her family van all the way to Vegas and back.

· I remember requesting anything by Michael Jackson at every dance I ever attended, and playing something by Michael Jackson at every dance I ever DJ’d.

· I remember thinking it wasn’t coincidence that he became “King of Pop” when he swept the Grammys in January 1984 and I was born in February 1984. Even though I was due in January, I’m sure I said, “Come on! Let me stay and watch Michael win, I’ll totally miss it if I’m all born and junk!”

· I remember dancing to “The Way You Make Me Feel” on swing nights at the MAC.

· I remember looking through Kristen’s Michael fan folder and thinking, “Man, I really should think this is crazy, but I can’t help it. I love it!”

· I remember teaching “Beat It” to my Encore kids, and watching Encore perform “Beat It” on several occasions, always while I thought, “Nobody does it like Michael.”

· I remember teaching the “Beat It” dance at countless dances, parties, and classes.

· I remember teaching “Thriller” to a group of youth for a Halloween mutual activity.

· I remember dancing “Thriller” at homecoming on the football field my junior year and the summer after my junior year at BYU Young Ambassadors Camp. They almost wouldn’t let us perform it because it was kinda “dark” (Hello! Michael posted a disclaimer: This in no way expresses a belief in the occult. Duh!)

· I remember learning and teaching a dance to “They Don’t Really Care About Us” on 3 separate occasions.

· I remember seeing a jazz/lyrical dance to “Earth Song” when I was 12. That was what inspired me to dance other things besides ballet.

· I remember watching Ashley and Rick perform a Rumba in a dark studio to “Whatever Happens” off the “Invincible” album.

· I remember hearing “Invincible” for the first time when Ruthanne bought it and played “Privacy” loud and clear over the BHS dance studio speaker system.

· I remember dancing around mom’s Z3 convertible to “Come Together” and thinking Michael’s version beat the Beatles version 10:1.

· I remember driving in my car and hearing song, after, song, including two in one week that sang “mama say mama saw ma-ma-coo-saw” and thinking “ah, another Michael-inspired copy cat.

· I remember making a list of 3 Michael songs that I claimed, when played in the correct order, could turn me just the right amount of on... (Douglas, for your benefit they are—in very particular order—“Come Together” “Privacy” and “Dirty Diana” and for a bonus afterwards throw in “Blood on the Dance Floor.”)

· I remember making an entire mix based around wanting to play Alien Ant Farm’s “Smooth Criminal” right next to Michael’s “Smooth Criminal.”

· I remember seeing “Captain Emo” at Disneyland and thinking that Captain guy rocked! I also remember protesting the retiring of the attraction and seeing it one last time.

· I remember finally deciding ballroom was cool when I was scrutinizing the “Blood on the Dance Floor” video.

· I remember doing foetes over and over again to “Beat It” in my basement at Windsor Manor Court. I thought that was the BEST song for foetes ever, and it didn’t occur to me until right now that I probably owe the fact that those are so easy for me to that song and the hours of practice it encouraged.

· I remember learning the moves from his “95 MTV Video Music Awards” performance for the talent show. We were shocked and appalled that we didn’t make it.

· I remember making the coolest mix for a street dance out of his “Ghost Remix” and the kids loving the choreography.

· I remember begging for “ABC” or “I Want You Back” to be in our Encore Medley.

· I remember swearing I’d pay anything to see Michael Jackson live in concert. If he ever had a comeback, I’d be there.

· I remember freaking out when he did this little smile he’d sometimes do in the middle of a dance.

· I remember playing a part of “Man in the Mirror” over and over again and trying to count the pencil turns. I want to say he did 11?

· I remember teaching myself the moon walk but always being frustrated when I saw him do it better and on the tips of his toes.

· I remember practicing this move Michael did on the stairs, all the while thanking my ribs and cursing my feet.

Michael Jackson changed what dance was for me and for the world. He brought this funky, technical, sharp, isolated, style to the TV where everyone could witness the power of singing and dancing at the same time. He made it suddenly a requirement that if you wanted to be a huge pop star you’d have to be a triple threat. No more “white man’s overbite.” He pushed dancers to become better-- to study their field. To practice until you make perfect and then keep practicing so you never lose what God and all that practice gave you.

· I remember being inspired by his music and his performance in ways that changed me as a performer forever. He hasn’t just been another artist. He has been a part of my life and my culture for as long as I’ve been alive.

R.I.P.M.J.

Halee

Happy Birthday Douglas!

It's Dougie's 26th birthday today. We've got big plans:

• I'm picking him up from his new job (working as an R &D Engineer for Performance Automotive Group) and we're going out to lunch.
• When he gets home from work we're going to go buy him a new cell phone.
• Transformers! (He's like a little kid about this, he's so excited.)

All in all, it should be super fun to say the least. Anything where I get to hang out with him usually ends up being super fun.

Coming Soon: Guatemala

So we're back from our trip to Guatemala. I plan to blog all about it... but that'll come after we celebrate today first:::: (See Above!)

Kyleena's First Birthday Party Announcement

Kyleena's having her first ever birthday party. We plan to let her devour a cake. Her birthday is actually on May 9th, but that day is booked full of other things so the Saturday exactly one week following her birthday will do the trick.

Our Little Girl

Kyleena Raylyn is 9 months old now. She loves crawling all over the house. She's figured out that if mom or dad leave the room, she has an effective method of travel which can quickly carry her back to them. Once she arrives, she grabs our legs and uses them to hoist herself up to standing. Once standing, she burrows her head into us as if to say, "Don't leave me ever again!" Kyleena loves making noises, and she loves hearing noises. The best time for a good scream is when things get super quiet, for example sacrament meeting. She'll let out a good belt with a huge smile on her face as if to say "I echoed!" She likes her new, more advanced, baby foods. Some favorites include strawberry oat and banana orange. Kyleena will dance to something as simple as the snapping of one's fingers. She loves percussion! We think that maybe one day she'll be the drummer in a girl band.

Kyleena is also going through her separation anxiety phase. Sometimes she wants mommy, sometmes it's daddy. Usually she doesn't care which. However, the other day she actually showed a definite preference. We were all sitting on our bed and I was holding Kyleena. Doug kept trying to take her from me and she kept turning away as if to politely avoid him. Finally, he reached for her and she yelled in the snottiest voice we've heard from her yet "MOM!" Then she turned and gave me a huge kiss on the lips. haha. I'm still laughing thinking about that.

Roomies!

I found these old videos on my computer and I had to laugh. How could I not? These were some of my roomies my sophomore year at UVSC. At the time I lived with Camille, Meredith, Britta, Rachel, and Angie in Parkway Crossing. Featured in the videos are Meredith and Britta and Rachel, Halee, Meredith, and Britta.


I'm so happy I didn't live with a bunch of grown-ups!

Also, when I started this I didn't realize I was logged in as Doug. This is obviously Halee. I'll try and figure out how to change that.

I love these kissy pics! Kyleena had just started this new thing where she would grab my face, hold on tight, and just lay one on me.

Kyleena's 6 Month Photos

When Kyleena was 6 months old we took her to the Sharlot Hall Museum here in Prescott, Arizona for a little photo shoot. Our friend Lauren Shepherd was the photographer. Lauren caught some adorable mommy-daughter moments as well as capturing Kyleena at this sweet age.